We are all good people if we compare ourselves to U2.

Dear U2,

It’s time to stop. Please stop making music. The people that listen to you still are getting bummed. You haven’t released a decent song in about 15 years. If you think it is funny that you keep creating the same trash and repackaging it, you’re right. The joke is on the fans. They are so gullible that they will buy whatever you tell them to. They are aging too. Why don’t you hang up the guitars and start doing ads for topical creams that help hide the rash.
You are a rash that doesn’t spread but instead only gets itchier. No matter how hard society scratches at you, you just pulse up and get sweaty. If you were a book, you’d be Chicken Soup for the Assoul. Listen closely to me U2, YOU ARE NOT THE BEATLES. A rooftop gig will not make you cool. You would’ve been cool if you stopped making music in 1991. Remember this too, Daniel Lanois and Brian Eno made you good. Never forget that you are nothing without a good producer (or two).

Dear Bono,

Shut up.

Dear Friends,

Excuse me in this time of anger. I woke up this morning not pissed. As usual, I checked the BBC tab on my browser and started to read the world news. I like to start with the top stories. After top stories, I check the top stories according to world region. Whilst reading the news, I stumbled upon an article about U2 and realized that I don’t like them anymore and I don’t like U2 fans either. U2 fans are so pretentious (Bono’s fault). They walk around like they care about the world but then you find out they’ve been stealing music for years and they think it is all ok. They have their U2 concert stories and they all claim that Bono went to their church at some point or another. Then I realized the sham. U2 has tricked their fan base with religion. They present themselves like they are leaders of the world, but when it comes down to it they only care about the buck, like most churches. If Bono wants to do something, let him do it without cameras documenting every move. Helping people with aids is cool, but it would probably be way cooler if it weren’t a publicity stunt.

Next on my list of things to get off my chest is racism. Just because the president is black doesn’t mean you should stop making racist jokes. To quote my dear friend Eddie Cruz, “Over-sensitivity is more offensive than bigotry.” To be sensitive to racist jokes/racism is to be a wuss. I’ve been called every racial slur for middle-easterners and I don’t get offended. Instead, I try to come up with new racial slurs. Sand Nigger could offend middle-easterners, black people, and sand.

Dear Middle-Easterners, Blacks, and Sand,

Fight stereotypes by making new, more creative ones. In my case, I could call myself a bean kabob with extra hummus or a walking time-bomb.

Look, we all know that lesbians are funny, but they are funnier when you associate them with Jordache Jeans (Thanks Adam). Of course, lesbians are bitches and they probably won’t think that is funny because of three reasons. 1) I’m a man. 2) They couldn’t come up with that stereotype on their own. 3) They are over-sensitive.

I am telling you this because I want you to be better than the average racist. In order to effectively fight racism you must be a better racist in the face of those who are against you (DO NOT do this at work). The next thing you know, they’ll like you because you gave them new material to use on their friends. If this happens, EVERYONE WINS. You’ve just made a friend with someone that hates you because of how you are. You have just proved to be a rational pacifist, and that is what Jesus would want you to do.

To win in life, you need to be a better liver (take care of your liver while you’re at it).

Eat,

FARTICHOKE